SATIRE: Theater is my sport

It’s 3:00 AM, and the high school’s production of “Nice Guys” has just turned off the lights in the auditorium following its final dress rehearsal. 

As theater kids begin the process of shedding their costumes and makeup, they welcome the likely future of intense homework and little sleep.

“I had a few hours of homework when I was done, just three or four so it wasn’t that bad,” said Cosette Emerson ’26, one of the student leaders of the high school’s drama department. 

Emerson stays after each rehearsal to make sure everything is cleaned up and put away, adding to her workload. Other students are responsible for staying after in order to neaten up their wigs and remove any stray costumes from the ground. 

Yet student leadership differs depending on their role in the show. 

Roxie Alexander ’28, stage manager for “Nice Guys”, had to make sure all 173 students were accounted for before rehearsal could start. 

“I know everyone is dedicated,” said Alexander. “But sometimes I look up and people who are supposed to be on stage are re-cherographing a dance in the audience seating area of the auditorium.” 

The dancing is, of course, an intensive part of the production with student choreographers having recently acquired harnesses and mats for a two-minute airborne number called “Bottom of the Food Chain”

“It was really important to me to do something the audience could’ve never thought of,” said Victoria Bowles ’27, the choreographer of “Bottom of the Food Chain

Student dedication is a pervasive theme throughout the department. 

Emerson created the “Theater Pacer Test,” a warm-up designed to prepare students for the physical and vocal demands of rehearsal.

“We do twenty push-ups, five laps around the auditorium to get the lungs in shape, and then vocal scales in every key. If you can’t sustain a note after that, that’s how we know people aren’t in shape,” said Emerson.

Student commitment to preparing for shows doesn’t stop when rehearsal ends, either.

“I haven’t gotten a haircut in a year and a half in preparation for the spring play, ‘Rapunzel’” said Maria Shakespeare ’29. 

Meanwhile, for the infamous tractor accident scene at the end of “Nice Guys”, Evan Todd ’26 (“Reginald”) paid fifty dollars to be hit by a tractor so his acting would be realistic. 

Todd said, “It’s important that the audience feels immersed in the whole experience, you know?” 

The week leading up to a show, the honey-flavored cough drops begin to deplete at an alarming rate and the dulcet tones of the ensemble tracks echo throughout the department hallway. 

“My diet mainly consists of different types of cough drops right now,” said Annie Turnblad ’27. “The red ones are like my protein and the yellow ones are for dessert. They help keep my voice smooth when I hit the high note during the “Everyone is OK” number towards the end of the show.”

But despite the commitment to the theater department, the fervor they all seem to share for their love of performing is most impressive. Perhaps mania has taken over and each person’s actions are obsessive. Or perhaps their actions are no less crazy than a hockey player insisting on putting on his left skate first and then his right, or a football player wearing an unwashed jersey because it’s lucky. 

“Theater has given me a community,” said Alexander. “I would stay up all night and all day to make sure everyone can have a good time and put on the best show possible. So I guess, in some ways, theater is like my sport. I would do anything for it.”