SATIRE: the greatest invention of the 21st century

As the end of the quarter nears, teachers start finalizing term grades. Whether it’s the last major test or a few more homework assignments, many factors can still swing students’ quarter averages.

“I slept for three hours every night to maintain my A+ in Physics, but I forgot to speak on April 1 so I got a D for participation and a C- for the quarter,” said Avi D’lerner ’28.

She raised the issue to her teacher, but since the syllabus included the policy in one-point grey font, the grade was deemed fair. 

“At least I know now that participation is worth ninety percent of my grade and will improve my public speaking skills,” D’lerner said. “And really, it was my fault for thinking that I was better than daily grade calculations. Now, I make sure to remind my friends every three hours to alleviate their worries.”

Many students rely on grade calculators to gauge how certain test, assignment, and engagment scores will impact their transcripts. These devices exist in many forms, from pocket-sized keypads to industrial machines that analyze individual stress levels, heart rates, mental clarity, hours of sleep, breath capacities, blood sugar levels, and family histories. 

“My Stressreliever Pro Mini® told me that I only needed a negative 43 percent on my history midterm to keep my A-, so I just cut class for a week,” said Lay Zeebum ’26.

With the recent release of the Stressreliever Mega Max®, the counseling department observed a 36 percent decrease in student cortisol levels and a 75 percent increase in peer interactions. They didn’t expect the improved relationships, but officially attributed the cause to a rising trend in group grade-calculating sessions.

“My friends and I always calculate our grades together at lunch to mitigate each other’s stress and celebrate earned target scores,” said Cooper Stresout ’27. “High school has been the happiest educational experience by far; everyone is just so supportive of my GPA dreams, made possible by my calculator.”

However, some teachers have advocated for the ban of these devices, complaining that the clacking disrupts classes. Although Canvas has a built-in “What-If” score calculator, the tech department disabled the feature out of concern for student mental health.

In response, the high school administration implemented a school-wide competition for the development of Efficient Quiet Calculating Devices (EQCDs): whoever can create the most surreptitious and stress-free experience that looks identical to Canvas wins a year of daily affirmations.

“I love how the school always keeps my daughter on her toes. Letting Avi calculate her grades in Canvas without needing her to figure out how to do it herself would be detrimental to her education,” said parent Oliver Baring D’lerner.

All in all, the high school administration hopes that all students will be self-motivated to achieve educational goals, instead of feeling pressured by grades since in the real world, they don’t exist.