SATIRE: the academic arms race leaves sleep behind

After Apia Warrior ’27 went five days without sleeping to study for her challenging classes, she was diagnosed with chronic insomnia.

Warrior is taking ten Advanced Placement (AP) courses this year, and she is aiming to hit all fives on these exams, including AP United States History, AP Chemistry, AP Physics, AP Physics C: Mechanics, and six other equally demanding subjects. 

“I can sleep later,” Warrior said. “I can not afford to get anything below a five on the AP exam, or anything below an A in each class.” 

While self-studying five of those courses, Warrior has given up not only any appearance of downtime this year, but has also committed to not taking showers and other personal hygiene matters into consideration, all for the sake of her AP grades. 

“Some people don’t understand the magnitude of this situation,” Warrior said. “Students, locked in like me, will have a better chance of a future.”

However, the magnitude of this “studying” situation has been characterized as  “less concerning” than the dark eye bags underneath her eyes, according to her peers.

George Patrick Anderson ’28 has also faced a similar situation to Warrior. Planning to graduate in two years with a perfect grade point average, Anderson has also sacrificed sleep for his academics.

“It would be disingenuous to suggest that my academic exertions and abilities exist within the same intellectual stratum as those of my peers,” Anderson said. “The scholastic expectations surrounding me rarely approximate the level of intellectual discipline I deem necessary.”

From the perspective of different students, both Anderson and Warrior needed to change – for the sake of themselves and their peers. 

“During every seminar, Anderson and Warrior basically fight to the death to give a single discussion point,” said Mr. Kenzel Drocker, AP United States History teacher. “The other students don’t even get a chance to participate in the debate.”

Anderson and Warrior both disagree with Drocker, though.

“I’m just trying to prove my point to the best of my academic capabilities,” Warrior said. “If they can’t keep up, they should also just be on my level.”

Anderson’s perspectives also aligned with Warrior’s.

“It would be intellectually feckless of me to dilute the complexity and nuance of my arguments simply to accommodate those who reach conclusions with less preparation,” Anderson said. “Academic discourse should reward those willing to push themselves further and penalize those who fail to meet simple requirements.”

With both students having “Super A’s” in Drocker’s class, Drocker balances out this curve by giving “Super F’s” to the other students that didn’t have a chance to participate in the discussion. This sudden decrease in GPA sparked an immediate outcry from the back of the classroom.

“This system isn’t fair,” said Breadkey Alexlarper ’26, a classmate of Warrior and Anderson. “Though I don’t do my homework or study for any of the tests, I still think that this system is cruel towards other students, who want to learn, like me.” 

Alexlarper and other classmates have gotten a sufficient amount of sleep each night, and the sacrifice of letting students like Warrior or Anderson beat them in the “academic race” seems worth it. 

“Students like Warrior and Anderson seem to prioritize long term goals, such as grades and academics, over short term ones, like sleep,” Alexlarper said. 

As this academic race ensues, both Warrior and Anderson believe sacrificing rest is a reasonable price for academic success. However, many other classmates on the sidelines seem less concerned with perfect AP scores – and far more convinced of getting full nights of sleep.